|
||
|
      
|
|
|
What a long, strange trip it's been... Wednesday, January 04 2012 
So many things have changed. I've moved to L.A. I've started a business. I've produced a bunch of music... I've had a crazy, crazy, CRAZY eventful year. Some of it's been great. A lot of it's been really, truly awful. All things considered though, I'm alive, the people I love are alive, I'm doing what I want to do, and I live where it's 70 and sunny every day of the week... So I suppose things could be worse. Without getting into any of the heavy shit though, it deserves note that I've also just returned from a lovely holiday endeavor in my home town of Chicago! Normally this might not warrant much in the way of commentary. However, this particular journey was noteworthy for perhaps one big reason: It was my very first, inaugural experience riding the one, the only... Amtrak! 
That's right people, I can now count myself among the select few who have not only considered the possibility that a 43-hour train ride in coach might be a fun experience, but was also stupid enough to make good on that very, very bad idea and see it through to completion. Was it fun? I don't know. Would I do it again? Fuck... Probably not. Was it worth it? Absolutely. There's a vast world of things a person can learn while riding Amtrak... I've now learned many of them. With that in mind, I'm gonna list a few Amtrak rules for you, beloved reader, and in no particular order... Consider this something of a stream-of-consciousness rant. I took no notes while on the train. This is my advice to my fellow journeymen and my retroactive travelogue. Enjoy... 
Rule no. 1: When riding Amtrak there's one thing you need to know above and beyond all other things: Shit is going to get weird. With all due respect to those with flight-related phobias of any kind, there is a REAL reason people ride Amtrak instead of airplanes. That reason is because NO ONE, be them pilot or patron on Amtrak, gives a FUCK about SHIT. Standing in line for tickets at Union Station is like walking into a time-machine with its knob set to "depression-era Soviet Russia". Infrastructure is pretty much non-existent and if you want an answer about anything of any kind, you can expect to be shot directly into a sort of nightmarish pinball machine of bureaucratic idiocy in which no one person really has to answer for anything. In this particular pinball machine, rather than dropping into a neat little hole in order to be made useful for the next customer, the pinball instead lands in a giant, turd-laden toilet. That's just the way it works. This is all just a really long way of saying the following... Supposing you're someone who wants to move across state lines inconspicuously, without ever having to show an ID to someone who cares, or without ever having to pass through a metal detector, or without ever having to worry about the various drugs you have stuffed in your ass, or whatever the case may be... Amtrak is the place to do it. The all-consuming "no-one-gives-a-fuck-ness" of the experience is what makes it a viable option for those in need... And I can assure you that while riding this train you are definitely going to come into contact with a few these individuals. In some cases, this will be a good thing, like when a young dude tells you the story about how he nearly knifed a man to death in a drug-related dispute a few years ago but narrowly escaped the pitfalls of a criminal path by the grace of some good luck and his own self-discovery. That's a pretty cool story. That's the good stuff. On the flipside, there's a VERY good chance you're gonna end up sitting across the isle from some ratsucked shitbag from Gary, Indiana with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his face. It's going to happen. So... When he asks you if he can use your phone "just for a second", think of me and tell him you've run out of minutes. Trust me, this dude has already admitted he doesn't own a cell phone so he's not the kind of guy who's gonna call your bluff on the fact that people stopped "running out of minutes" like 5 years ago. He's more the type of guy who drinks mouth wash at the bus stop at 7am. 
Rule no. 2: Speaking of drinking... DRINK. Early and often. This is essential to the smooth Amtrak experience. Unless you're a fancy fuck who got yourself a sleeper car and has the luxury of being horizontal, your night's not gonna be terribly comfortable. But it can be tolerable... If you drink a lot. Do yourself the favor. If you're traveling by yourself, pack 2-4 bottles of wine (you never know who you may end up sharing some with) and a small $2 pack of Dixie Cups. When in doubt, bring MORE wine. You definitely don't want to find yourself out of booze on this train because the mini bar will gouge your pocketbook senseless if you let it. Do not... I repeat, DO NOT be that guy buying sampler-sized Robert Mondavi for $14 a pop. Be the one who's confidently pouring a little something for his self on the sly but also has a little something to spare for his fellow traveler. It might even make you a friend or two. As an aside: Don't bring beer. It's heavy, doesn't pack easy, and has a tendency to start pouring down the hatch awfully fast. Wine is better for our purposes. It's cheap and you don't need a lot of it to get your buzz on. Plus, it won't make you feel fattened in an environment where exercise is never an option. 
Rule no. 3: Albequerque sucks. If you're like me and you're stupid enough to ride from L.A. to Chicago for the first time, there's a distinct possibility you may run out of booze by the time you hit Albequerque... But guess what?! There is no booze in Albequerque!!! If you were planning to step out of the train during the 20 minute stop and re-up on your various supplies (read: booze), you'd be hard pressed to find a worse place to do it. Despite the fact that Albequerque's train stop sits smack dab in what appears to be the middle of the city's hottest bar district, there is literally not a single place to buy liquor to go within a 10 minute walk of the train station. (Note: I don't really know if it's the city's "hottest bar district" because I don't care.) Take my word for it... You don't need to stand up and walk around in Albequerque. You can go out for fresh air, then walk around in the observation car instead and life will remain, at very least, equally colorful. 
Rule no. 4: ... And I can't stress this enough: WATER. It's true that unless you WANT to hear the toothless crackhead behind you explain to her cousin (in excruciating detail) her minute-by-minute experience at traffic court last week, you're gonna need to drink yourself stupid in order to sleep through the night. Getting through the next day on the other hand is an entirely different story. Remember this: You're on a moving, swaying train... All day long. The hangovers you know from everyday life are, by comparison, like a day-long temple massage from an exotic, topless, Tunisian mermaid... So before you get on board, buy yourself at least half as much water as you do wine and you should be good to go. 
Rule no. 5: ... And while we're still on the subject of basics (and I promise I won't spend too much more time on this): FOOD. Here are the things you buy for your trip:
That combination worked for me. Don't bring heavy, starchy stuff that'll make you feel bloated and keep you snacking all day. 
Rule no. 6: Additionally, the dining car is totally overrated. There are so many reasons you'll convince yourself it's worth it: "It'll be a nice change of pace!", you'll say to your self... Fuck that. The food sucks. It's pre-packaged, pre-frozen, and CRAZY overpriced. I paid $42 for mine and my friend's combined meals, and I'm talking about an entirely booze-free endeavor. If we had a glass of wine a piece we would have been pushing $60 easily. Forget it. The experience amounted to $42 in the kind of "upscale" tv dinners you might get in the frozen foods section of Whole Foods... AND, the dude taking reservations was a total prick. I'll say it once more... It's not worth it. To add insult to injury, the dining car is set up in a kind of family-style seating arrangement where, if you're like us, you'll end up forced to eat across the table from some SUPER weird upstate New Yorkers who won't shut the fuck up about what grade schools they went to 55 years ago, how wacky life in New York City is, and how Eli Manning just isn't having the kind of year they had hoped for in 2011... Fuck that. You ever seen "eXistenZ"? Remember that disgusting scene where Jude Law and Jennifer Jason Leigh construct an amphibian meat and bone gun at the dinner table? You know, this one... ... Well that's what it was like watching this weird old woman handle her duck entree with her fingers while I ate my dinner. I'll say no more. 
Rule no. 7: The observation car, on the other hand, is where everything awesome happens. Spend your whole day there. Hell, spend the night there if you like (beware though that if you do, it'll start getting loud and active at around 6am). It's a perfect environment in which to watch the world pass by, and you'll be met by all walks of life in the process. It wasn't until my adult life, or really until last year, that I truly became aware of how the American west is just this insane fucking treasure that we sit on. It is staggering and beautiful beyond belief. So if you're moving through these parts of the country, you better soak that shit up. The things you'll see and the places you'll pass through are even more picturesque than the movies you grew up watching. The experience is like a widescreen, moving picture spectacle and it comes free with your admission so you need to take advantage of it... On the other hand, if you're not going west of Kansas... I'm sorry, but you're fucked. There's nothing to look at between Chicago and western Kansas. NOTHING. 
Rule no. 8: While you're getting your view on in the observation car, sit with some older folks and learn a thing or two, you lousy, ungrateful dipshit. I was lucky enough to be greeted by a wonderful, incredibly lovely woman named Joan who I sat and talked with for about 3 hours. Meeting Joan was such an awesome part of my experience and we churned through an enormous variety of topics and discussions during our brief encounter. She told me about her life in Michigan. We discussed film and art, and the disappointment of seeing the books you love rendered ineptly by shitty filmmakers. I told her about girls I've loved. We talked about our upbringings. We talked about Chicago and its miserable weather, and how she lived in Hyde Park many years back and misses the city. We talked about just about everything humanly possible within a 3-hour time period. Hanging with this significantly older woman who I'll probably never see again was easily one of the highlights of my trip and should go down as one of the coolest, most interesting experiences I have in 2012. It was a great, life-affirming way to start the year, and hopefully a great kiss-off to the dreadful year that was 2011. ... So keep in mind, next time you're along for the ride... Saddle up next to an old-timer, be receptive, listen to what they have to say, and let them teach you a thing or two. They've probably looked out those windows a few more times than you have.        
|
|